So-called unpatriotic math students at work in typical polyester attire
Photo: mathematicians.net

The Department of Defense (DOD) is investigating the excessive use of polyester by American University (AU) faculty and students in the Department of Mathematics and Statistics. DOD calls Mathstat's hoarding of the material an "unpatriotic act."

DOD has developed a new technique for spraying protective coatings on their trucks and armored tanks. The procedure uses polyester/vinyl dioxolane based coating compositions that contain no or essentially no volatile organic components (VOCs). Vehicles will be safer and the air kept cleaner by the reduction of VOCs being released into the atmosphere.

DOD has stuggled for months to identify the sink of polyester that currently exists in the United States and finally traced it to AU's Department of Mathematics and Statistics. Department Chair Dr. Jeffery Hakim stated, "I think I speak for all the faculty and students in my department when I say that we intend to fully cooperate if called upon to donate our extensive collections of polyester clothing — and even our pocket protectors — if DOD insists. Just having learned of the investigation, there are a lot of upset faculty and students roaming the halls. It can take years, even a lifetime, to build up such clothing collections. Surprisingly, spouses and partners seem overjoyed and have even begun cleaning out closets."

When asked, Hakim stated, "Who is the biggest offender? Oh, I wouldn't want to put anyone on the spot, but let's just say that I think Dan Kalman even had his car upholstered with the stuff."